Hello again, it’s nice to talk with you again.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t always understand Jesus. The good thing is that Jesus does not condition his love on whether I understands him or not.
There was a moment in my life when I thought (check this, I only thought), that by doing things “right” I wasn’t going to get into trouble, that everything was going to be fine. I thought that bad things happened because we didn’t do things “as God intended.”
At that stage in my life, that was how I saw God, as someone who commanded me, and when I disobeyed, there were consequences.
Has this happened to you?
We do the best we can, according to the best we understand, and still, “we fail.” And we will continue “to fail” if we stay with that image of God.
Later in my life, hard, painful situations and health surprises began to happen. I found no reason for all these, because I “obeyed God,” whatever my interpretation of that was.
And also, there was no shortage of comments from other people. Although well-intentioned, I didn’t like them…
“Everything has a purpose,” and although I don’t doubt it, my confused and hurt heart was not comforted. The comment didn’t sit well with me, not at all. It didn’t make sense to me to think that God would allow something so painful, knowing how hard it was for me. No, it didn’t make sense.
On one occasion, while talking to a very wise person, he asked me the following question:
-Wise person: what if you were to ask yourself a different question?
-Me: ?
-Wise person: Instead of asking yourself, why, you can ask yourself, what does it mean?
-Me: ???
The invitation was to bring these questions to my prayer. So I did it.
Thanks to Saint Ignatius of Loyola, I learned to talk to Jesus in my prayer with my imagination. This was a conversation I had with Jesus not only on one occasion, but on many. The first few times, I was very energetic and defiant, and I even complained to him. Jesus, attentive and respectful.
In the following conversations, I did not “sit” in front of Jesus, but “by his side,” and there, in that new posture, I was able to perceive something different. Jesus had, and has the same questions that I have.. Jesus is not against me, he was, and is, by my side.
That experience was so profound that it changed the way I see and interpret my own life experiences.
What the wise person’s questions led me to realize is that I longed for closeness, a different one. It turns out that God no longer commands me. I no longer saw God as so distant and alien that our relationship was only based on commands. The nature of the relationship changed little by little. And it continues to change, it is increasingly intimate.
What is your relationship with God like? How do you communicate with God?
Honestly, I don’t understand, it doesn’t make sense. But I receive it. Health is not a reward, nor illness a punishment. I was able to understand this this way only until my way of perceiving God changed, from someone who commands me, to someone who understands me, since he has also gone through very difficult situations.
Both are human experiences.
Moses said at one point that the sick should go away. Jesus, on the other hand, offers healing. To this day, neither you nor I have to stay away for “being sick.” We can get closer, since we seek heart health.
I don’t always understand Jesus. And in this case, I still don’t understand. But my heart is no longer restless.
How is your heart?
Jesus, the carpenter, was not only and is with me. He was also and is with you. His love does not depend on whether you “obey” him or not. And, no, I don’t understand it either.
P.S. You can find what Moses said, and what Jesus says, in the readings for BI Sunday in Ordinary Time, Cycle B
