The pandemic was very difficult for everyone. Uncertainty was at a critical level in all areas of our lives.
During that time, my vision had a very accelerated deterioration during a short period of time. There were so many pressures in the environment, that was what I attributed the change in vision to. I imagined that it would be enough to look for new glasses, and I made an appointment with an optometrist.
When I went to the appointment, the doctor did not even finish her routine exam. She told me:
-You need to go to the emergency room as soon as possible.
I answered
-Really?
I did not have a surprised reaction, rather I assumed that she was exaggerating. It was more frustration that I felt, because it required me to change my plans for the rest of the day.
I had recently returned to work after the pandemic restrictions were less strict. That day I had to go to work. In fact, I planned to go to work after the appointment. For that reason, when she told me that I needed to go to the emergency room, I didn’t take it well. I remember that I even asked her:
-What if I go tomorrow instead?
A bit surprised by my answer, the doctor replied:
-Ma’am, this can be very critical. I suggest you take it seriously and go as soon as possible.
-Okay
I answered more out of politeness than out of agreement. And I think she noticed.
When I arrived at the emergency room of the nearest hospital, I gave my information and a note from the optometrist that I didn’t even try to read. In what seemed like a three-minute moment for me, they were already calling me.
From then on, a period of time began in which I didn’t have a pause to process what was happening the way I would have wanted.
I was admitted to the hospital, and after a ton of tests, a doctor informed me of the results. They found atumor the size of a golf ball at the base of my brain. That mass was responsible for the changes in my vision, as it was progressively pressing on my optic nerves.
I didn’t know what was going to happen.
I didn’t know how to take it.
I didn’t know how to react.
How do you feel when you encounter uncertainty?
What kept me going was the love for my daughters.
Two days later, as soon as the hospital was able to arrange what was necessary, they took me into the operating room, and after an eight-hour surgery, they removed the benign tumor from what I felt was the center of my head.
At two in the morning the next day, I came out of anesthesia, with all that that implies.
A few hours later, the neurosurgeon and other specialists came to monitor my health. The neurosurgeon asked me:
-How is your vision?
To which I replied:
-There is not much change.
-Ok, we will continue observing how your optic nerves react.
A couple of days later, at the next doctor’s visit, I was in slightly better condition to have a more detailed conversation. After touching on several points about the surgery, procedures, and other symptoms at that time, I asked him:
-Will I ever be able to get my vision back the way it was before all these changes?
The doctor, with great warmth and kindness, replied:
-It is unknown.
Again, how do you deal with uncertainty? Do you reject it, tolerate it, can you embrace it?
Many moons ago, when my brother and I were very young and there were no cell phones, we would happily wait for my dad to come home. We didn’t know when he would arrive. Sometimes we would each be so focused playing that we didn’t notice when he would arrive. As soon as my mom heard his car, she would say:
-Hide!
My brother and I would run out to hide, waiting for him to find us after he came into the house.
There was uncertainty there too, but with great joy. We didn’t know when he would find us. Because of the love for our dad, we endured the uncertainty.
Have you had this kind of uncertainty?
Jesus, referring to when the Son of Man will return, mentions that no one knows. The day or the hour is not known.
Can you distinguish what uncertainty you may be experiencing? The love for whom in your life could sustain you?
For me, what sustained me during my stay in the hospital and in relation to my health condition, was the love for my daughters. That love continues to give me the courage to endure uncertainty.
Although I didn’t know when my dad would find me, I knew that that moment would be joyful, both for him and for me.
If the Spirit leads you, share with Jesus the carpenter how you are doing with the uncertainty in your life. And perhaps, together you can identify the love that can sustain you.
Marisol
P.S. We can hear about things that are unknown in the readings of the XXXIII Sunday of Ordinary Time, year/cycle B.
