During my adolescence, I was involved for a while in various evangelization tools, first receiving them, and later, becoming part of an evangelization team.
One of those tools I was part of was a particular kind of camps, called Kairos. This tool takes place in a natural setting. There are group activities that are very meaningful and revealing, providing much material for reflection on one’s own life experience.
Without going into too much detail, one of many of these activities takes place at night, in complete darkness. Being in the dark wasn’t enough; we had to cover our eyes with a bandana, making the activity even more challenging and uncertain for the participant.
When I participated in that activity, the weather was cold. But due to the nature of the activity, it was a cold that penetrated me to the core. It went from being cold to fear, flooding my being.
Over time, I’ve had to go through other, even more profoundly scary experiences, with more complicated and significant implications for my life. One of those was receiving the news that I had a brain tumor and hearing about the consequences for my health.
And you, have you ever been in a situation of profound fear?
At my camp, each participant in the group took their turn to enter the activity. And it so happened that I was the second-to-last in the entire group. For me, that made it even more terrifying, because I imagined there wouldn’t be any support if I needed it. I wanted to accomplish the activity, but knowing what I was up to almost the end increased my uncertainty. And the truth is, uncertainty and I didn’t have a good relationship back then.
As my life went on, I realized that uncertainty was there, constant and present. Especially when I heard the doctors say they didn’t know how my body would react after the operation.
In your case, what is your relationship with uncertainty?
Genesis tells us how at a certain moment Abram was filled with fear and terror. A little later, it describes how God made a covenant with him. In the Gospel, as part of the Transfiguration account, it describes how Peter, James, and John experienced being covered by a cloud, and they too were filled with fear.
What has been your attitude when you find yourself in the midst of your fear?
In the camp, while I was in the dark during that activity, I couldn’t realize that behind the person behind me were people from the organizing team who were watching over all of us participants. Obviously, I couldn’t perceive it. But that didn’t mean they weren’t there. I didn’t know everything would be okay; I didn’t know that I was already supported. I didn’t know that all my classmates were also supported.
After the surgery, I was able to understand the seriousness of my health condition prior to the operation. Although I felt great fear about the whole situation, what emerged next was definitely better. Yes, with health challenges, and a better outcome. But I wouldn’t have known this if I hadn’t undergone the surgery, if I hadn’t endured the uncertainty.
Would Abram have known that God would make a covenant with him after experiencing so much fear? Probably not.
Would Peter, James, and John have known that after experiencing so much fear they would hear God’s voice? Probably not.
Could it be that fear clouds our perception of the love and care God has for each of us?
If the Spirit leads you, share with Jesus the carpenter what your experiences of fear or terror are like for you. And perhaps, you will be able to perceive God’s care and love after the fog of fear dissipates.
Marisol
P.S. We can hear about what Abram and some of the apostles experienced after a great terror in the readings for the Second Sunday of Lent, Year/Cycle C.
