The first time I heard the word mercy, I couldn’t understand it. It confused me, and it wouldn’t stick.
One definition that did stick with me was: to have compassion for the misery of another person’s heart.
I understood this, but it stayed there. In my head. And more questions arose.
– What does misery refer to? Guilt?
Many years later, I had the opportunity to experience the lack of mercy, from me toward myself. It was slow, subtle, and progressive, caused by a brain tumor.
In November 2021, I had emergency surgery to remove a golf-ball-sized brain tumor that had been lodged at the base of my brain without my permission. It’s an understatement to say that the discovery was a huge surprise.
The tumor caused such varied, progressive, and subtle problems that I couldn’t have imagined what the cause was.
But there was news from the neurosurgeon that came as a great shock to me.
Based on his experience, he estimated the tumor had been in my head for approximately 30 years.
Of all the life changes I’ve had to face, that particular piece of news was one of the mildest, yet most impactful for me.
From this experience, I developed an interest in the brain, seeking to understand causes and consequences for prevention and treatment.
The doctor showed me before-and-after images of the surgery. You could see how my brain was receiving pressure from below, until its normal thickness was half its normal size.
I also remember that the roof of my mouth was almost level with my teeth. But I didn’t realize this because the changes were very, very slow.
In short, the tumor had everything under pressure and tightly packed inside my head. Including the amygdala. This part of the brain is responsible for processing fear and anger.
One thing is very clear to me: after the operation, I was able to begin to receive, literally in an incarnated way, mercy toward me. I mention this because for a long time, I blamed myself intensely for things that happened, and it was very difficult for me to find an internal place of self-compassion.
And you, have you ever found it difficult to love yourself despite of…?
Physiologically, I simply couldn’t help but be so hard on myself. I didn’t know there was another way.
Until I discovered it.
That part of my brain, the amygdala, is no longer under the pressure it once was. It’s no longer overstimulated. And I was recently very surprised to learn that we can overstimulate this part of the brain with negative thoughts, with what we listen to, the way we speak, when we get upset out of proportion or for longer than necessary. This part of the brain can also be overstimulated when we spend long periods of time with very negative people.
The recommendation I received was to stay away from almost chronically negative and pessimistic environments. Measure and select the news, among other recommendations.
Until then, I was able to understand why I had such a low tolerance for watching the news, and why I was so drawn to peace and spiritual practices that lead to peace. It was literally what sustained me.
And you, how do you live mercy toward yourself?
We can’t give what we don’t have. Giving yourself the opportunity to know and practice mercy toward yourself will give you the opportunity to do the same toward others.
What you and I hear has a profound impact on how we process fear and anger. And if we overstimulate the amygdala, it becomes saturated, fostering antagonistic, critical, aggressive, and intolerant attitudes and reactions. Almost the opposite of mercy.
After Easter Sunday of this year, 2025, Pope Francis has reached the other side of heaven. And having heard so many stories and anecdotes from his life all week, one common denominator I noticed was that he invited the people of God to know a compassionate and merciful God.
And you, what image of God do you have? Do you know His mercy?
Would you like to know his mercy?
If the Spirit leads you, share with Jesus the carpenter if you would like to know His mercy. And perhaps, you can deepen it by receiving and practicing it.
Marisol
P.S. We can hear about mercy in the readings for the Second Sunday of Easter, Year/Cycle C.
